I Saw Eyes

Slaughterhouse Five (Kurt Vonnegut) was very good. It was interesting, in that the text is structured so as to expect a response of hilarity when the reader is confronted with tragedy after tragedy, absurdity after absurdity. It is a funny book if you do so.

But, you can also take the book "at face value" - the humor is implicit, not explicit. If you ignore the humor, it is an immensely sad book. Many things it says are true. You are supposed to laugh at these, but you don't have to. You can cry, or stare.

It's about war. (There is very little fighting in it, despite that main theme.)

It is also about mental illness, I think. (But perhaps I am reading into it.)

I do wonder what it would be like to experience a full psychotic break. I've seen things I knew weren't there: all related to eyes. Shrug. Eyes sprouting from the legs of a chair to stare at me. Eyes in the horrible animals on a wall hanging. My own eyes in the mirror, white. My girlfriend, gazing hungrily at me with too many eyes. (That last one was during my first panic attack.)

Yeah, I dunno, either. Pretty sure it doesn't count as psychosis since in all examples I was aware that what I was seeing wasn't real.
I still saw.

Freud or Jung probably have something to say about eyes, haha.

Soundtrack for my today by Keosz. "AVA" is beautifully desolate guitar-driven dark ambient. I believe the premise involves the transfer of consciousness to digital perpetuity, but it's instrumental music, so any understanding beyond the song titles is implicit rather than explicit. You can listen through the whole thing without any indication of meaning. For music, it is sometimes better that way.

Routine

The bullshit workbook basically says now that I should stop tracking the pain, struggle, and success I experience each day. Something about acceptance rather than evaluation. Blah, blah, blah. Words.

Anyway, that's one less thing to accomplish each day.

I do have a bit more of a routine now. After waking up, I get breakfast and coffee and my fucking morning antidepressant. Sometimes I listen to music while eating, sometimes watch YouTube. When food is finished, I get off YouTube if that's what I was doing. I don't want to start my day trapped there.

I keep going with the coffee. Working on the bullshit workbook, finding new music, or just reading. Something at least a little productive.

The urge to shit arises before coffee is finished. I think my body takes coffee to be the signal to get my innards moving. I'm not really sure why; just that if I miss coffee, my bowels get off-kilter.

Anyway, shittin' comes when it comes.

Once coffee is finished, I go on a walk. Doctor's orders. Supposed to reduce my anxiety and agoraphobia by confronting "the outside" - being out and about makes me anxious.

Even walking two blocks makes me more tired than I thought it could, even given my sedentary habits. I'm not fat - I'm actually thin as rails, 5'9" but 135lbs - but somehow hauling this bag of bones a block or two makes my thighs and hips and neck sore the next morning. Fuck.

I eat an apple when I begin the walk. (My parents have a few dwarf apple trees, which I harvested last week, so we have more apples than we know what to do with.) Having something to munch on distracts my primordial hind-brain by convincing it that I'm safe - "if I wasn't safe, what business would I have eating?"

When I get back, I meditate for 15min. The bullshit workbook told me to. Whatever. (I don't like it. I feel exhausted and out of it - dissociated - by the time I'm done.)

Brush my teeth.

That's my morning routine.

Better than a job, I guess.

I'm writing this after finishing the above. Often by the time dinner is over, and I've arrived at the time I usually try to do this, I can barely think, let alone write coherently. I wish I was more able to summarize the day, but that's not what ends up happening anyway. I'll just add a piece of music, as I usually do, before actually posting at the end of my day.

I have an evening routine, too.

Take my fucking evening antidepressant.
Shower.
Brush my teeth.
Read a chapter of whatever I'm reading. (This ensures I get at least some reading done every day, though I often read more during the day too.)
Shuffle music while reading.
When reading is finished, turn off the lights and continue listening to music until fully sleepy. (Typically another two or three songs.)

Then it's another dawn to fear.

Great album by Cult of Luna last month.

Fish on a Brick

A year or two ago I came up with a recipe for open-faced tilapia sandwiches in the oven.

Spray a baking pan, lay bread on it. Sourdough is perfect, but any white bread is good. Thick slices are better than thin. (Thin slices might get too browned on the bottom, but it's still ok.)

Spread with a bit of mayo. That's optional.

Put cheese on it. Sliced off a brick of sharp cheddar is what I prefer. Don't let it hang off the edges, or it's sure to make a mess.

Put a thawed tilapia fillet on each slice of bread. It's okay if it hangs over bread, as long as it doesn't hang over the edges of the pan.

A bit of black pepper.

A couple slices of pickled banana peppers. You can just use pickles if you have them, but they're not quite the same.

Bake at 375*F for ~25min or until the fish flakes with a fork.

Enjoy with a vegetable side, or soup.

It's one of the more indulgent meals I've come up with - that's not saying much - but frozen tilapia is pretty cheap. And healthy.

Not sure where I got the inspiration from, but it's been a hit for me. My mother loves it, once I made it after moving back "home." She is a very good cook, so her enthusiasm is flattering.

She asked what it was called. I hadn't named it. I decided on "fish on a brick."

I found "Identity" by The Arbitrary just today, embedded above. It was fun and engaging progressive metal. No vocals, so no turn-offs for those of you who listen to normal people singing normally, rather than hairy men grunting into a microphone. It's up for name-your-price: so, free!, if you're poor or stingy like me. Share it if you get it for $0. Preferably somewhere better than a blog that no one reads.


Monday the 7th of October, 2019

Pain: 50
Struggle: 45
Success: 25

Untitled IV

I enjoyed "199XAD" by Mega Drive, out yesterday (missed it in my roundup, found it today).

I am very depressed.

That is all.


Saturday the 5th of October, 2019

Pain: 60
Struggle: 75
Success: 30

New Music Friday, I guess

Friday is New Music Day each week.

I had seven releases on the calendar - yes, I make a digital note of each week's releases as they're announced - and I did get to all of them.

I didn't listen through all of them, though. I had time - I mostly read today - but I'm not going to waste an hour going through what I can tell is a crap release after two songs.

In order of wasted time, least to most:

Insomnium - "Heart like a Grave" (melodic death metal)

Great, but not as good as previous works, and nothing new. Still my favorite band, actually. (Go listen to "Winter's Gate"...)

Shaking Sensations - "How Are We to Fight the Blight?" (post-rock)

Good. I hope that's not damningly faint praise. It's my first time hearing them in full.

Syberia - "Seeds of Change" (post-rock)

Good. Great beginning, lost steam towards the end.

We Lost the Sea - "Triumph & Disaster" (post-rock)

Meh. Distasteful and boring compared to their wonderful previous "Departure Songs" (2015). Not sure what happened.

Kublai Khan - "Absolute" (hardcore punk)

Look, they have great groove, instrumentally, but the lyrics are just so childish. We get it, you know four-letter words. And, wow, saying "bitch" before a breakdown. So macho. JK, grow a brain, and drop the attitude. At least pretend to be interested in anything besides displays of stupidity. This is your third? fourth? album of sounding exactly the same, and getting dumber each step of the way. Show some maturity.

Toxic Holocaust - "Primal Future: 2019" (thrash metal)

Did Not Finish. Again, not really sure what happened since their great 2015, "Chemistry of Consciousness."

In Mourning - "Garden of Storms" (progressive/melodic doom metal)

Did Not Finish. Could not hold my interest for even a moment. So passé that I cannot even find anything else to say about it, good or bad.

...So, some solid stuff, some shit, but no magic, and mostly just disappointment. What a fine metaphor for life.

It's October, festival season is well and truly done, so the next few weeks will be similarly packed with releases. Hopefully better, but I guess it's better not to hope.

That way you can't be disappointed.


Friday the 4th of October, 2019

Pain: 40
Struggle: 20
Success: 60

Untitled III

I feel like my stomach is in knots. I dread swallowing. A single continuous tube connects my lips to my asshole, outsides inside, and if anything happens to that tube, I will suffer greatly, and may die. Many other creatures live and die in that tube. How do I not choke on their corpses?

I Watched the World End

Didn't sleep well last night. Vivid dreams, woke up frequently wanting to cry.

I was a man venturing behind enemy lines via an old tunnel. I had a companion, but no weapon. Only a spade. We had a mission. The sky was dark with cloud and smoke and night, fire on the horizon. The tunnel was lightless.

We did not return until two years later. Warm, yellow sun and grain. Women found us struggling to exit the built-over, blocked-off tunnel mouth. I wept from it all, dropped my shovel and leant against dirt walls, woke up.

I watched the world end. Every human being, exterminated by AI-built nanomachinery. I traced the causes, the mass extinctions. It was all inevitable. Nothing could have been different. I wept, woke up.

My face was dry all night. I guess I can only weep during panic attacks and dreams. No real tears.


Wednesday the 2nd of October, 2019

Pain: 55
Struggle: 40
Success: 35

Ensnared

Today I was hanging laundry outside and I spotted an orb weaver as stocky as my fingers in a nearby rhododendron! I'm not your stereotypical arachnophobe, but spiders do discomfit me. I was fascinated that an orb weaver, what I think of as being a fairly small type of spider, had managed to grow so large over a short summer (north-east United States). I wonder how many times it had shed.

Even more rivetingly, when I was taking laundry back down, I spotted a yellowjacket wasp fly into the orb web, become ensnared, and immediately be webbed into a bundle by the enterprising spider! I didn't know they ate wasps. I thought they might be afraid of stings. But, this one, after letting its venom liquefy the wasp's insides, enjoyed some yellowjacket soup.

There hadn't been any shortage of wasps around that bush this summer, so I wonder if that was the spider's main source of food to result in such growth.

I'm definitely feeling my doubled meds today. Not in a good way. I feel like my eyeballs are way back in my skull, peeping out of these knotted tunnels. My guts are tremulous, my mouth dry and cottony.

I just want to sleep. Really sleep, not the mere dozing and stupor I must make do with. No dreams, no awakening.


Tuesday the 1st of October, 2019

Pain: 35
Struggle: 25
Success: 45

Untitled II

Psychiatrist is upping my primary antidepressant dosage. Hopefully it won't affect my sleep cycle like it did when I started. Doesn't think it will.

I figure it'll take a few weeks to feel much difference - if there is any. It's not like the previous three I've tried have made me "better." That's when I'll be seeing my girlfriend next - she's visiting one more time toward the end of October. After that, I figure I should take my life if I still haven't found things different.

In the meantime, I still have to keep trying to improve. The math doesn't work if I don't really take reasonable measures to make life worth living. So that's keeping up with my medication, keeping busy, getting exercise, doing bullshit therapy, "mindfulness," keeping up with the bullshit workbook, "desensitization therapy" (also known as "get off your fucking ass and face your anxiety, pussy, and it will get better." But "desensitization therapy" is what my psychiatrist says, because he's getting paid to do so, and if he starts using phrases like "fucking ass" most patients would stop paying him. But I know what he really means. Pigfucker.)

Tomorrow should be the last truly hot day of the year. The air in the house is cool right now, so it won't be a big deal, but I'll be happy when cool weather comes to stay.

I read The Stranger by Albert Camus. I found it really interesting, but if I didn't find the philosophical/psychological aspects of the book resonant, I probably would've thought it was inane, boring bullshit. It's a quick read, go for it. If you read this swill you'd find The Stranger worth your time.

Not like anyone reads this swill. I started it as a-private-journal-meets-a-private-joke. (Yes, my use of hyphenation has gotten out of hand from reading Nietszche. Sometimes there's just no good way to translate those German gestalt-words.)

The irony of publishing private words for anyone in the world to access at no cost - with zero people actually doing so - is not lost on me. It makes me laugh.

But it doesn't stop me from checking the blog statistics before each post.


Monday the 30th of September, 2019

Pain: 60
Struggle: 40
Success: 20

Again

I had a panic attack yesterday.
Again.
I think.
Probably not a full one, not like my other two. There was a physical collapse, an inability to stand, a reduction to sobbing, but I regained control of my breathing much more quickly. No additional shaking or weariness today. (I mean, on top of my chronic weariness and hand-tremor. For what that's worth.)

It occurred in the wake of a disruptive set of young guests of my parents arriving unexpectedly. I found myself trapped in the downstairs den, unable to reach food or the bathroom without exposing myself to (gasp!) social realities. It seems ludicrous in hindsight, even to me, but my fear and desperation at the time was real. I managed to avoid self-harm yet again, despite extended contemplation and search for means.

I think about joining a monastery, haha. Alas, I cannot any longer claim Christian faith. Maybe I should research any secular/open alternatives...

Today's tune brought to you by Bell Witch. A bit outside my normal smorgasbord, but once I understood what was going on in Mirror Reaper, I was blown away. Yeah, it's slow and weird, but if you stick with it and let the music carry you, it will bring you to heights of despair and glimmers of hope by the end. (I realize "heights of despair" may not be what a lot of people want out of music, haha, but to me such a journey is special.)


Sunday the 29th of September, 2019

Pain: 15
Struggle: 10
Success: 55