It All Falls Apart

My girlfriend texted me today about some plans this weekend. Almost in passing, she described in just a few sentences how she imagined our life could be in the coming years. What she said was sweet and heartfelt, and ended with: "It will be a life. And a darn good one at that."

She knows my struggles - I am open with her - and she knows that I believe life to be not worth the living. She knows I am trying to see if I can improve, see if I am wrong. Somehow, she still has hope. But, I don't think I can be that hope for her. I do not think it will be much longer until I end my life. I just wish she would find someone better for her than I am. It tears at me to think of hurting her - of betraying her? - by leaving in death, but what am I to do?

Will she understand? Will she be okay?


Friday the 20th of September, 2019

10AM
Reading a text message (see above)
Emptiness, guilt, apprehension
See above

Pain: 25
Struggle: 15
Success: 55