Cope, Cope, Cope

The bullshit workbook is having me learn "mindfulness" exercises. I can execute them - my devoutly Christian background gave me similar experiences in prayer - and they are able to divert my attention and emotions from cycling negative thoughts. It still feels like a form of avoidance, or hiding. Taoism, Buddhism, Stoicism, Epicureanism, are all religio-philosophical systems that sprang up in times of upendedness and confusion in their respective settings, and it shows. Avoidance. Detachment. Disillusionment. Disengagement. Cope, cope, cope. I don't want to just cope.

My parents have two cats. Their number has fluctuated since the two our family got initially, when I was young. Strays turn up in blizzards, but get hit by cars years later. So it goes.

One is fat. Very fat. It's probably not her fault; we feed her the same amount as the other cat - but this fat cat was adopted as a scrawny worm-ridden runt kitten from a barn. Her whole metabolism and liver function probably had to do all they could to preserve her before and after her birth. Once we took care of the tapeworm infestation and weaned her, she quickly ballooned. First world problems, I guess. She is over a decade old now, and her joints clearly hurt her after so long hauling a bulk. No teeth. Quacks, rather than a proper "meow." Can't climb the stairs some days, but she still asks to be carried up to sleep in my parents' quiet bedroom each morning. She's real sweet when she's sleepy, but can be a testy rotter at other times. Sharp claws.

The other is a small, half-siamese. Biggest eyes in a cat I've seen, ice-blue. She says her name when she vocalizes: "Bree." We didn't name her, but we see where the name comes from. She is the oldest, one of the original two. Lasted so long because she's scared of her own shadow. Very sweet, though - despite taking several years to be brave enough to sleep on a lap. Now, she is always asking, especially during the winter. She had a beautiful coat, but gradually developed pathological grooming, licking bare and bloody patches. It seems every year she has a new area to add to the repertoire. I can sympathize. I'd be harming myself too, if I don't talk myself out of it.

At the top I embedded "Ghost Shirt Society" by Antethic. I don't know what the album name means, but it doesn't much matter, as it's wordless post-rock. On my first listen it didn't really stick, but I kept it in the backlog. Subsequent listens have been much better. I like that it has a sense of progression and thought without seeming either joyous or melancholy. Pick it up, you can pay what you think it's worth to them on Bandcamp. I feel bad that I paid $0, but I tell myself that it's fine because I'm unemployed. It doesn't really help.


Thursday the 19th of September, 2019

6PM
Explaining to my parents what the firebombing of Dresden meant
Hollowness, despair
How can we live as if all is somehow well?

Pain: 20
Struggle: 10
Success: 40