It's Only Permanent

Cold and rainy and grey today. I like this weather. Hurts my eyes less.

I am trying to finish a fantasy novel I picked up at a bookshop liquidation sale for cents. It was donated to the bookshop by the estate of a dead man. Death, passing on to death, passing on to me. And when I die? Passed on yet again.

I decided to read it because it was by a female author, and I haven't read much female-authored fantasy. It isn't very good so far - the world feels flat, unconsidered, un-lived-in - but it's interesting to note the female protagonist's posture toward males in her story: often violated or threatened, whether with sword or sex. Victories come when understanding, sympathy, or reconciliation are achieved, not domination. But maybe I'm reading too much into it, bringing in too many preconceptions I don't even consciously agree with.

I listened to a lot of music today. What stuck in my mind most - though it was not the best of the day's fare - was "It's Only Permanent" by Black Flak and the Nightmare Fighters. First link goes to Bandcamp, and the second to Spotify. I should start I am putting an embed at the beginning of these posts.

It's post-rock, for the most part unremarkable. Drums are mixed fairly loudly, but the drummer is self-controlled and skilled. Heavy use of spoken-word samples: I believe taken from one source throughout. They speak of depression, and suicide, as do the song titles. The album seems to end on a tired but almost hopeful note. You might have to judge for yourself.

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I wrote the above at the end of the day. Below, at the beginning of the day, and onward.
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So now the bullshit self-help workbook wants me to keep a "Daily Pain Diary." Increments are marked off hour-by-hour, with three columns:
1) What were you doing, or, what happened?
2) What did you start struggling with psychologically?
3) What thoughts, in addition to any in the previous column, came up in association with that struggle?

I have to do this for a week. Of course, only one day's worth of space is provided. So, looks like I'll be tracking that here, too.


Thursday the 12th of September, 2019

8AM
1) Working on workbook chapter 5
2) Frustration, cynicism, hopelessness, anxiety
3) This activity is a waste of time. It is asking too much of me. I can't just examine myself and my own thoughts all day, let alone all week. Too many painful feelings. I wish I had something better to do.

9AM
1) masturbating
2) loneliness, ennui, unreality
3) I am useless and a failure. I am trapped. I hate existing/living/being here.

3PM-7PM
1) reading, listening to music
2) weariness, despair
3) It is all a waste, it will all come to nothing, why endure this pain

Pain: 50
Struggle: 40
Success: 45