This is the last thing I have to do before I go to bed, so I'm writing to keep myself from thinking. (I have to write something. I committed to this.)
Somehow, I have a girlfriend. We met almost three years ago now, before all of... this came to a head.
I feel as though I'm not the person she first met. I can't be a functioning person, someone able enough and loving enough to be worth spending a life with. Yet, she insists that she loves me, and wants me to stay. Stay alive. I love her too. I just know she would be better off without me. Let her find someone good for her - or find contentment in singleness. It would be better than being with someone like me.
I've told her all of this. I don't know what to say to convince her that both of us are better off without me.
I feel like I've been given such a gift in her, but I'm just the wrong person. If I were better, if I were well, things would be different. But that won't happen. Too many things are wrong. I can't do this.
Saturday the 14th of September, 2019
2PM-5PM
Reading, listening to music
Nausea, loathing, despair
I hate myself and everything around me. I wish it were night, so I could sleep.
6PM-7PM
Eating
Anguish
I must, I must be done with this
Pain: 80
Struggle: 90
Success: 25
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