Celebrate My Deathday

I should really start writing these earlier in the day. By the time it's near the end of the day, enough to sum it up, I'm a mental wreck. I have plenty of things I could say, but no energy or focus to pursue those thoughts. I guess I will try anyway.

We (the extended family in the local area) celebrated my grandfather's seventy-somethingth birthday today. He doesn't like a lot of hooplah, and probably feels uncomfortable being celebrated (much like myself, perhaps), so no cake or candles or presents. His preference. Just a meal and dessert and being able to see each other.

Everyone's knee deep in shit. My grandfather, a lifelong farmer, is getting rid of old equipment, and it's a hassle, and a real effort. Cousin upon cousin are blown to the four winds, trying to keep our heads above water. Aunt is supporting three children on her own, after leaving a marriage that inflicted a decade of the worst abuse on her. Those three children are so mentally and socially fucked up I don't know how they'll cope with adulthood. Another uncle is trying to stay financially solvent after being laid off from a longtime job during the last economic rough patch. No one is terminally ill, at least on that side of the family...

How do they all keep going? Can't they see it's all a farcical shitshow? Stop struggling through every day with no hope of better! Fucking end it! Better not to be!

Hopefully I will soon. I'm twenty five, which gives me roughly another two lives until something takes me without my consent. That is a fair amount of time, so I'm spending a few more months pursuing loose ends, just to see if the improbable occurs and I find that continuing is worth it. I can bear a few more months, just to be absolutely certain I'm not throwing away several decades I'd rather have. It's not looking like it, though. And things will only get worse.

Better to be gone, quickly and painlessly, before then. Celebrate my deathday. Fucking cake and balloons and presents for everyone.


Sunday the 15th of September, 2019

12PM
Going to my grandfather's birthday celebration
Dissociated
I can't do this, what am I going to say? Stay calm

3PM
Coming home from my grandfather's birthday celebration
Irritable, weary
This is all such a load of bullshit.

5PM-9PM
Working on a minor programming project
Frustrated, uncomfortable, angry
Why can't I just function normally? Why is everything so loud?

Pain: 60
Struggle: 70
Success: 25