Moloch

Is it normal to be this tired? How can all of you continue treading the wheel grinding us all down? An edifice of power and desperation that exists and survives apart from its creators - a machine, its parts made of humans and human relations, yet itself inhuman.

Perhaps better than the short lives of our evolutionary ancestors, hunting and gathering in the savanna.
Perhaps worse: isn't it worse to know that you are part of a whole socioeconomic system built on human suffering and global exploitation?

Better not to be.

No music today, because fuck it all, and fuck you, fuck me. I can't do this.


Friday the 13th of September, 2019

5AM
Getting out of bed
Anxiety, weariness, despair, fear
Why must I do this? Why do I have to face another day? Better to end it.

7AM
Waiting for counselling appointment
Anxiety, panic
People are looking at me, watching me

9AM
Driving home from counselling
Frustration, hopelessness, anxiety
I don't want to think about my future. I'm even afraid of talking on the phone. What's so hard about making a phone call?

7PM
Writing this
Frustration, anger, despair
We are being crushed and suffocated by the institutions, powers, and forces built by the generations before. There is no escape but death.

Pain: 55
Struggle: 40
Success: 30