Those You Cannot Teach To Fly

I finally gave up (again) on that fantasy novel I'd been trying to finish. It had become too obviously the author's fantasy - yes, in the normal sense, not the literary sense. Once the heroine went to the center of the earth and took the essence of the magical core-fire into her (such that she became so goddamn beautiful that the author felt the need to describe every male character's erection the first time each met her), the previous extended flashbacks about the protagonist's history of abuse, rape, and literal whoredom fell into place. It wasn't fanservice, it was authorservice. A fantasy about being strong and kindhearted in the face of a horrible world, yes, but also a fantasy where to be female is to be beautiful, and all the male characters are either dead or monsters (whether figuratively or literally).

Oh, and I almost forgot, the book opened with two massive offenses to my sensibilities: time travel, and a literal sex scene between a fourteen-year-old and a thirteen-year-old. Yeah, that was when I previously decided not to finish. The fucking prologue.

So I'm reading a science fiction novel now.

While we're talking books, I finished Thus Spoke Zarathustra by Friedrich Nietzsche a couple weeks ago. (Yeah, I still look up how to spell his name every time I need to...)

Nietzsche had definitely been misrepresented to me growing up, (I have solidly Christian parents, who had me attend a Christian private school for several years,) and "Thus Spoke Zarathustra" was an interesting read besides. It is written in what I think is an intentionally biblical/prophetic style, centered around the titular hermit Zarathustra as he explores the world, teaches, dances, and dotes on his talking pet snake and eagle (??).

Spoilers:
1) the whole overman/superman/ubermensch thing isn't about eugenics or racism
2) Nietzsche was against nationalism, and nationalistic wars of the sort accompanying German unification, and remarks that he wishes he had written his work in French, haha
3) Yes, Nietzsche was definitely misogynist, though I think that is likely a result of his life than as a conclusion of his philosophy
4) Nietzsche doesn't think he killed god
5) the work is shot through with joy in the present and hope for the future.

In light of the century+ since it was written, I think it's clear that Nietzsche was a gifted thinker, but I can't bring myself to share the hope expressed in Thus Spoke Zarathustra. Perhaps Nietzsche couldn't, either; by all accounts he died mad and quite miserable.

Instead, I am "a falling man." As Zarathustra states, "those you cannot teach to fly, teach to fall faster." I cannot be taught to fly, it seems, so fall I must.

On the other hand, "he who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand and walk and run and climb and dance; one cannot fly into flying." Perhaps I am still learning to stand.

Today's music: something for The Great War by the much-missed Bolt Thrower. (Sorry if it just sounds like caveman music. I too thought so, once.)


Monday the 16th of September, 2019

11AM
Brief talk with girlfriend
Irritation, frustration, anxiety
Why is she bothering me? We talked yesterday. What more could there be to say? She's just rambling about her day...

1PM
Walking to doctor's appointment
Anxiety, nervousness, fear
Who is watching me? I recognize that person. How to steer clear so they don't recognize me...

6PM
Talking to a visiting Italian foreign exchange student
Shame, frustration, anxiety
I should have indicated that I knew of Bologna, but not its location! Assuming it was in the south, stupid...

Pain: 40
Struggle: 50
Success: 60