Again

I had a panic attack yesterday.
Again.
I think.
Probably not a full one, not like my other two. There was a physical collapse, an inability to stand, a reduction to sobbing, but I regained control of my breathing much more quickly. No additional shaking or weariness today. (I mean, on top of my chronic weariness and hand-tremor. For what that's worth.)

It occurred in the wake of a disruptive set of young guests of my parents arriving unexpectedly. I found myself trapped in the downstairs den, unable to reach food or the bathroom without exposing myself to (gasp!) social realities. It seems ludicrous in hindsight, even to me, but my fear and desperation at the time was real. I managed to avoid self-harm yet again, despite extended contemplation and search for means.

I think about joining a monastery, haha. Alas, I cannot any longer claim Christian faith. Maybe I should research any secular/open alternatives...

Today's tune brought to you by Bell Witch. A bit outside my normal smorgasbord, but once I understood what was going on in Mirror Reaper, I was blown away. Yeah, it's slow and weird, but if you stick with it and let the music carry you, it will bring you to heights of despair and glimmers of hope by the end. (I realize "heights of despair" may not be what a lot of people want out of music, haha, but to me such a journey is special.)


Sunday the 29th of September, 2019

Pain: 15
Struggle: 10
Success: 55