Death Spells

Once more the woman who loves me, who I love, is coming to visit tomorrow. Two of her friends are getting married this weekend in a nearby city. I will not be going along, as I didn't know either the bride or groom at all, but my girlfriend and I will have another free day to spend together.

I look forward to it and dread it.

I want to hug her, make her feel that everything will be alright. That, I look forward to.

I dread having to act like anything is alright. This may be the last time I see her before I end my life. I don't want that thought weighing on me the whole time, ruining one of my few sources of solace.

It is such a conundrum when I take this person into account. I do love her, and I want her to be well in life. I think she would be better off without me, but I also know my suicide would cause her great pain. How do I resolve this?

It is not enough to live merely on her account, when I loathe this life. But I do not want to hurt her!

On and on these thoughts go, in circles. It is no good either way.

But when I am dead, there will be no pain for me. I will not be hurt by the pain I cause. I must hold on to that assurance.

"Death Spells" is the soundtrack for today, then. Holy Fawn blew us all away with this release last year. Drag me into the woods.